Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts
by Paradisical815
Summary: A list of things never to do at Hogwarts. Or is that a to do list instead? Warning: The acting out of any of these listed may result in detention or expulsion, but you'll have a hell of a good time. Will be part of a novel length story later.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Sometime in the future, this will be part of a bigger fan-fiction I am writing. I'm not sure if I will post it here, but anyway. It is an OC fic and it is a rather shameless self insertion –again- but I've been working on it for a while and I rather like it. But I digress.**

**Some of these are NOT MINE, I have found them scattered over the internet, but several of them are mine. Take 'em, claim them as your own. I don't care. If anyone has some other ones, tell me and I'll add them!**

**Without further ado, I present you with a list of things that will get you expelled in a heart beat.**

1. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

2. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

3. I will not go to class sky clad.

4. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".

5. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

6. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

7. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

8. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

9. I will not lick Trevor.

10. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

11. It is a _really_ bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

12. I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

13. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

14. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

15. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

16. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two way mirrors as a Christmas present, especially if I don't tell her what it is.

17. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."

18. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

19. I will not convince the house elves to unionize.

20. The Muggle known as Bill Clinton is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.

21.There are spoons. I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.

22. The Head Girl and Head Boy do not perform sexual favors.

23. I will stop insisting that witchcraft is just a metaphor for lesbian sex.

24. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

25. Attempting to create real tribbles is expressly forbidden. Especially if it is for extra credit in the Care of Magical Creatures.

26. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

27. I shall not suggest to Remus Lupin that "you and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals" and that we should "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

28. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

29. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

30. Providing Engorgio charms to students that are... lacking... before the Winter Ball will make your Head of House most displeased.

31. "You might be a pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

32. The condition of Professor Snape's hair has nothing to do with the Muggle movie "There's Something About Mary."

33. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "once you go Black, you never go back."

34. I should not ask Harry Potter if he wants to talk to my "snake".

35. Professor Snape is not the Metatron.

36. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

37. I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.

38. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane' and I should stop asking if I can be his ho.

39. Stop asking Hannah Abbot if her milkshake brings boys to the yard.

40. Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it is a good idea in theory, but not in actuality.

41. I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.

42. I will not refer to house elves as "self-disciplining submissives".

43. If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".

44. Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, I may not safeword out of Potions class.

45. Singing "If I Were a Rich Man" around the Weasleys is rude.

46. I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students, especially if they're no good at poetry.

47. Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.

48. Kingsley Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt me if I refer to him as 'my nigga'.

49. Just because the black guy dies first in Muggle movies does not mean that will apply to Kingsley.

50. I deserved the extra punishment when I sang "Fat Bottomed Girls Make the Rocking World Go Round" to Madame Maxime.

51. "Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.

52. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.

53. I will not Polyjuice myself and a friend to look like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, then give each other passionate kisses in public.

54. Forming a LGBT support group on campus is permissible. Claiming that it was founded in 1945 by Tom Riddle is not.

55. Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you fucking Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.

56. Asking Tonks to change to Marilyn Monroe or Jenna Jameson before having sex is just plain cruel and evil.

57. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

58. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

59. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

60. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

61. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.

62. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

63. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

64. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

65. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

66. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

67. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

68. I am not allowed to ask Hermione and Ginny if they know what a 'menage a trois' is.

69. I will not send shampoo to Snape's office, no matter how badly he needs it.

70. Naughty jokes regarding "Moaning" Myrtle are only funny the first time.

71. Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potion's class will not get me extra points.

72. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Deatheaters.

73. Screaming "VOLDEMORT!" in crowded hallways is not in good taste.

74. Stealing Draco's underwear and selling it on EBay to horny fan girls is not ethical, nor profitable (note to self: Steal Potter's underwear instead).

75. I will not refer to Ron Weasley as "that red-headed twit" in polite company (impolite company is just fine).

76. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong. Making Draco Malfoy pay double for them is _also_ wrong.

77. I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty.

77. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0", is not a valid T-shirt slogan

78. Writing sexy love letters to Professor Dumbledore, signed by "Your Kitten", is not a ethical means to skip Transfiguration class (though it is effective).

79. I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute.

80. Having Colin and Dennis Creevy follow Harry Potter all day is cruel and unusual punishment.

81. I will not sell pennies as priceless, Muggle collector coins.

82. I will not spread rumors about Draco's deviant sexuality.

83. Asking Professor Snape to show you how to make a love potion is not recommended.

84. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."

85. Madam Pomfrey does not dispense condoms.

86. Do not ask Professor Sinistra to show you "Uranus".

87. A good way to piss Hermione off: Write "Hermione Granger was here" on multiple library books, thereby banning her from the library.

88. Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammer school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.

89. Telling the first years about the time your friend got eaten by the giant squid is NOT appropriate. Ever.

90. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

91. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".

92. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

93. I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes to bright purple (or any bright color for that matter).

94. Mail order dinosaurs are NOT good birthday presents for Hagrid. No matter how much of a discount you get on them.

95. "Quidditch Players Do It in the Air" broom stickers are not allowed.

96. Shaving Mrs. Norris is not a public service.

97. Seamus Finnegan is not "_after me Lucky Charms_".

98. Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give you x-ray vision, is not permitted.

99. Asking Professor Flitwick where Snow White is not permitted.

100. I will not add the words '_according to the prophecy'_ at the end of every sentence I say in Divination.

Asking if wands are a 'elegant weapon for a more civilized age' is not permitted'

101. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks

102. Yelling 'To infinity and beyond!' is _only_ funny the first time I ride a broom.

103. When the death eaters are attacking, I will not grab Ron Weasely and yell, 'To the bat mobile, Robin!'

104. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a dark mark on their arm

105. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, Johnny Depp with scissors for hands is _not_ lurking in any of them and I will _not_ go looking for him.

106. I am not allowed to go into the Chamber of secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber

107. First years are not toys, and I will not teach the giant squid to fetch with them.

108. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more that fifteen seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

109. The giant squid is _not_ the Kraken, and Davy Jones and Jack Sparrow are _not_ fighting over a chest on the royal yard of Durmstrang's ship.

110. I will not make any comments about Remus and his '_time of the month_'

111. Referring to the Accio charm as 'the Force' is never funny.

112. Introducing Peeves to paintball isn't either.

113. Professor Snape does not use L'Oreal Paris Shampoo.

114. Teaching first years to go bungee jumping off the tallest tower is not funny.

115. Voldemort does not 'just need a nice big hug,' and I need to stop insisting this.

116. He is also not evil because he is sex deprived.

117. Replying to everything with 'That's what your mom said' is _only_ funny if you are saying it to Sirius Black.

118. Teaching first years the intricacies of swearing is not in good taste.

119. I will most certainly not say the phrase, 'Dude, get a life,' to Lord Voldemort.

120. 'OMGWTF' is not a spell.

121. Comparing Hagrid to Chewbacca, while it may be humorous, can cause hurt feelings and therefore is _not_ allowed.

122. I will not Give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real creatures.

123. Under _no_ circumstances is climbing the whomping willow allowed

**Review, please! I'd like to hear what you say and like I said, if you can think of any more, tell me and I'll revise this and credit to you.**

**Thanks! **

**Katty**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I did more. I hope you are happy.**

**I forgot a disclaimer for this so, here ya are. If there are anymore updates, this disclaimer applies to all chapters cause I'm too lazy to write it out each time. **

**I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER.**

**There you are.**

1. When Sirius swears I will not go up to him and ask, "Have you been drinking out of the toilet again?" It isn't nice.

2. I will not follow the school ghosts around whispering "I see dead people."

3. I will not throw Miss Norris out of the astronomy tower to see if she lands on her feet

4. I will not give the house elves vodka.

5. I will not hold a lighter to Snape's head in hopes the oil will ignite.

6. I will not tell Umbridge that she really needs to get laid.

7. I will not tell other students it is Hug your potions master day

8. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his Happy Place.

9. When making a sleeping potion, I mustn't sing, "I wanna be sedated."

10. I will not attempt to seduce the basilisk.

11. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order "Just to see what happens."

12. I will not put signs up around the school saying come to the dark side we have... Draco.

13. I will not tell Wormtail that his silver hand looks "groovy" nor will I encourage him to replace it with a muggle chainsaw

14. I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's Bitch"

15. I will stop using the astronomy tower to attempt to make contact with aliens.

16. I am not allowed to hire Aragog's children to spell out "Some Pig" in spiderweb over anyone's bed.

17. I will not speculate as to the anatomical possibilities

involved in the conception of Hagrid.

18. After the last unfortunate experience, I will not take the Hogwarts house-elves to see "Dumbo" as their Christmas treat. Furthermore, I will remember to put trampolines below the Astronomy Tower in case I momentarily overlook the first part of this resolution.

19. I will stop calling the Weasely twins 'Merry and Pippin'. I will also stop called Harry and Ron 'Frodo and Sam'. It's probably a good idea to stop calling Draco 'Legolas' too.

20. If I spike the Order's drinks the night after Harry's hearing, I will be forcibly ejected from the premises.

21. Sirius Black is not 'my bitch.'

22. Neither is Fred Weasely

23. Giving Professor Trelawney a magic eight ball is not nice.

24. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

25. I will not attempt to breed a liger

26. Adding the name 'Bueller' to professor Binns' roster is not funny.

27. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

28. I will not ask Voldemort why he doesn't have a cool scar.

29. It is also unadvisable to watch 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' with him. Same for the Hannibal Lector movies.

30. Or any other horror film, really.


	3. Chapter 3

Professor Dumbledore is not hiding a beehive in his beard.

Starting a food fight is not a 'good way to pass a normally boring lunch period'.

I will not lock the Gryffindor and Slytherin houses in a room and take bets on which one will come out alive.

The aforementioned prohibited act is even more out of the question as I am in the Gryffindor house.

I will not send a toilet seat to Lucius Malfoy when he is in Azkaban with a not that reads, 'From your loving wife'.

Sirius Black is not 'Seriously Black' and I shall stop referring to him as such.

Blaise Zabini is not my 'brotha from anotha motha'.

Draco Malfoy is not my 'sista from another mista'.

It is not advisable to give the giant squid fire whiskey. It is cruel and may also cause the poor animal to explode.

I will not attempt to breed Crookshanks with Mrs. Norris.

I will not tie Draco to Harry 'just to see what happens.' (thanks, **StoryGirl02**!)

I will not buy Remus a rabbit.

Clinging to Sirius and yelling 'Don't LEEEAAVE me!' is probably not a good idea.

Neither is buying him a rat.

I will not bewitch a sexy poster of Gerard Butler to move. Damn

I will not tell Voldemort to 'find his happy place'.

It is not nice to talk about overweight people near Hagrid.

The Phantom of the opera never was, is, or will be a wizard, nor will I insist that he is Snape's REAL daddy.

The Death Eaters are not affiliates of the muggle Mafia.

_I_ am not an affiliate of the muggle Mafia.

'I'm too sexy' is not Professor Snape's theme song, and I am not to sing/hum/tap said song on a wooden surface every time the professor is within ten feet of me.

Gilderoy Lockhart is not gay.

My wand is an instrument for using magic. It is not a tickling device, hair stick, or cat-teaser.

Potter- 4, Ministry -0 is not a valid t-shirt slogan.

Lord Voldemort does not have Syphilis. His nose (or lack thereof) is a result of dark magic, not a sexually transmitted disease.

The prefects bathroom is not my 'office'.

Professor Trelawney is not a Myspace whore.

Ginny does not lead a double life as an American table dancer.

I will not serenade Remus with the song 'Werewolves of London'.

I will stop writing these brainless lists, as they may give other people –_ahem- _ideas.


End file.
